Lamest. Mascot. Ever.

I got an invitation to attend a Whittier College football game over the weekend. As the law school and the college are on separate campuses in separate cities, I had never even known that Whittier had a football team, let alone stepped foot on the campus. And it's a good thing I didn't know any better, because finding out my alma mater's mascot was like a kick in the gonads (if I had them, I think that's what it would be like).

Behold the travesty:


The F'ing POETS???? What the hell? I cannot think of anything weaker and more easily crushed than a poet. The Whittier Poets? It makes me cringe when I say it. Poets? Really?

So I looked into it on Wiki. Turns out the school used to be Quaker and was named after a Quaker poet John Greenleaf Whittier. When the Quakers founded the school they decided that "Johnny Poet" would be their mascot. (God is that lame. I'm from Pennsylvania, we got plenty of Quaker history and no sissy-ass Poet mascots. In fact, I guarantee in Pennsylvania you and your whole school would be beat down in about two seconds if your football team, the Poets, came to town).

Well I looked up ol' Greenleaf, and he wasn't only a poet! He was an abolitionist (The Whittier Abolitionists!), an editor (The Whittier Editors!), an essayist (The Whittier Essayists!), all of which sound much stronger and better for a football team than the Poets. They could have even gone with the vanilla "Quakers." I know it has religious connotations, but at least it sounds like you're shaking things up!

When I looked at other school mascots, the only one lamer than Whittier was Evergreen State. Their mascot? A geoduck. What's a geoduck, you may ask???? Why, this is a geoduck:





Yeah. The grossest looking clam you ever seen. So gross that its body is running away from its shell. This is not something to be proud of, Whittier. We gotta do better. I personally like Idaho's mascot: the Vandals. Its nice, and it has connections to 80s punk. What could be better?