Pedestrian Rage

So I almost killed a woman last night. Why, you may ask, would a sweet and delicate flower such as you, Emily, do such an uncharacteristically violent thing? (Stop that! I can hear you laughing. I am a delicate flower).

Cuz bitch almost ran me over.

I was minding my own business, walking down the street in Santa Monica.... Ahh, but there in lies the problem. Who dares walk in Santa Monica? Don't I have a fancy car in the garage so I can drive it everywhere so people can see me in it? Maybe she didn't care because she figured I must be poor if I was walking. But I digress.

I attempted to cross the street, when I had the right to do so, when I had "the walking man" symbol giving me the a-okay. But this lady never even turned her head toward me, she just popped a right with not a care in the world.

She came about two inches from taking out my left leg. I had to contort my body and pretty much fall on the hood of her car to avoid getting hit. I screamed some obscenities, slammed my hand down on her hood really super hard to scare her, and told her to watch where the hell she was going. She mumbled something through her half-open window that she was sorry. Then she sped off.

I was about this close to opening her door, hauling her out of her car, and beating the everloving crap out of her. The lawyer in me cried restraint. In retrospect, I wish I had popped her one. Or two. Or maybe just tried to run her over to see how she likes it.

See, I AM a delicate little flower. If you don't agree, I'll pop you too. Jerk.

VICTORY!

Wow, look at the fancy legal picture I stole from another law firm's website. I totally need a gavel.

Guess who just won their first summary judgment motion today? (Not much of a guess, of course, but I'll give you a moment to ponder it...)

ME! Yes, the judge was SO completely convinced that he didn't even really ask for oral argument at the hearing. He just granted it based on the papers, which is unbelievably cool, just like me. Woo hoo!

For anyone wondering out there, summary judgment is basically me saying to the judge, "Hey Judge, this guy's got no case at all. I mean, it's so obvious he has no case that we don't even have to go to trial. Just take a look at this yahoo's crap and we can get it done right here and now, Judge, no need to waste any more of your time." Generally they're pretty hard to win, but I bitchslapped plaintiff up one side and down the other so many times in this case that I had all the proof I needed. Again, props to me. :)

Frankly the plaintiff's lawsuit completely sucked, which made it much easier to win than if I was actually up against a competent civil litigator, but what the hell. I take the victories where I can get them.

If I only didn't have to come back to the office after my awesome pummeling of plaintiff and work like a dog all day, it might have actually felt victorious. Ah, the life of a lawyer.