American Apparel Fails

I saw a banner ad with the picture below today and almost spit out my coffee.


What the holy hell is that thing? A mesh genie suit? In what kind of circumstance would one want to don mesh pants? And why is the ad putting the poor girl in granny panties and still leaving her essentially topless? I want to know someone who actually plans to buy this thing. Or better yet, I want to see someone wear it in public. Maybe we should make American Apparel's founder, Dov Charney wear it. This is Dov:


Ok yeah I take that back. Sorry for the disturbing imagery. But I think we now all understand how "clothing" like that gets made. By douches like him.

The Man Cold

Come on, tell me that this isn't accurate.

You Know How I Know That I'm Old?

Well, number one I'm old because what was fashionable when I was in high school (flannel, Doc Martens, baby doll dresses) are now back in fashion. Which is really whack, considering I didn't keep any of that stuff. I wonder if the Limited will become popular again?

But even worse than that, when I told the other women in my office how excited I was that Doc Martens are back, they didn't know what I was talking about. As in "What are Doc Martens?"

What a travesty. Doc Martens are, as I patiently explained, the shit. Oh the poor youth!

This Just In: Islands Float

The gentleman in the video below, who was elected to the U.S. House of Representatives by the people of Atlanta, apparently believes that if too many people are on the island of Guam that it will capsize. Yes, capsize. As in Guam is apparently just floating on top of the ocean and, you know, if all the inhabitants run to the West side at one time the island will flip over. What does Hank think the bottom of an island looks like, I wonder?

In all seriousness--we elect these people to make draft laws and create policy for the most powerful country in the world? Its terrifying the bona fide idiots that have been given serious power. I'm thinking maybe we need to implement some kind of i.q. test to avoid letting people Like Mr. Hank Johnson and George Bush get elected to office.

No Shame for LA Lawyers

I have a small car. A really small car. My little VW Rabbit can literally fit in almost any spot. She's compact in every way. So I usually do park in "compact" spots if possible, as that is the appropriate size spot for my vehicle.

Yesterday I drove to downtown LA for a court appearance and parked in a nearby parking garage. I parked on an end, up against the far line of my spot, and was initially satisfied that I had more than enough space.

Before I could even get out of my car, a huge ass SUV parks in the spot next to me. The *compact* spot next to me.

Dude gets out and starts putting on his suit jacket, same as me. Says good morning, as do I. Then I can't help myself. I say "That sure is a big compact vehicle." He laughs. He tells me that "If I park anywhere else in this garage I get dinged. I always get dinged. So I park here instead." Of course, this makes absolutely no sense, so I respond "Maybe your car gets hit because you park it in too small a spot." Dude has nothing to say to this because, you know, it makes sense. So instead he says: "You're trying to shame me! But I'm a lawyer, as are you, correct?" He goes on to tell me that lawyers have no shame, that trying to shame him is a waste of time, and that he in particular never is shamed. WOW. And he tells me this with a smile on his face, almost like a badge of honor.

The only thing I could choke out was "Well I must be in the wrong profession because its inhuman to never feel shame and I never intend to be like you."

The gall of people just amazes me. He was proud of himself. And you know what, I couldn't help it when I dinged his car. Bastard parked too close.

WTF

So I am not big into the Oscars, but I did have them on in the background last night while making dinner. I didn't see half of the movies nominated, including The Hurt Locker. TL saw it and said it was pretty good, I'm not really into that kind of movie. Didn't seem like there were very many laugh-my-ass-off moments.

So when they were presenting for Best Director I didn't pay much attention because I didn't see most of the movies (I was kind of rooting for Quentin Tarantino because I did love Inglorious Basterds, but no biggie). I kinda noticed that "the woman," Kathryn Bigelow won. I refer to her as thus since the only things we know about her are (1) she's a woman that directed, gasp, a war movie, and (2) she was married to Jim Cameron. So good for her, finally a woman won. Apparently it was the first time in Academy history. Not really a surprise since Hollywood is such a male dominated industry.

But when she was done giving her acceptance speech, that's when my ears piqued up. What song did I hear? Turned up the volume and.......that old classic "I Am Woman." That crap stopped me dead in my tracks. Are they *really* playing an old '70s "feminist" song right now? Wow.

Yup. They just reduced Ms. Bigelow's win into a cheesy ridiculous moment. I felt so sorry for the woman. Check it out here if you missed it, the Oscar orchestra is playing the Helen Reddy classic at the conclusion of her speech.

A Woman's Response

I didn't see much of the super bowl (I even missed The Who! Boo!) but I did see this stupid Dodge commercial. The point of the commercial is that grown men need to be rewarded for being....grownups. Its freaking ridiculous. Wow, you should really get a medal for being civil to my mother. Lord have mercy did this commercial annoy the crap out of me.

Today I was pleased to see a woman's response to the ad. It's brilliant.

I'll Never Eat Octopus Again

Wow. This octopus uses a coconut shell as a tool, he carries it around and uses it to hide. I had no idea octopuses (how do you pluralize that, octopi?) were so smart! I feel so bad now that I've eaten them. I'm impressed.

My New Religion

Oh. My. God. You guys, I love Cracker Barrel. It's my favorite place to go in Georgia (other than my mama's house!) for food when I'm home visiting Augusta. The "vegetable plate," a delicious choice that makes you feel good for ordering it but in reality is not even remotely healthy, is my favorite. On my typical "vegetable plate" I get macaroni and cheese, hash brown casserole, green beans--one of the only actual vegetables on the list, but cooked with like, lard and bacon, and maybe fried okra or fried apples. Yes, the remainder of vegetable options are fried. This is PRECISELY why I love the Cracker Barrel. That and the biscuits and sweet tea.

But dude, this guy took it to another level. I have never even considered getting a Cracker Barrel tattoo. Does this mean I'm not a real fan? I DID write to corporate and ask them to open a branch in Southern California, I DID inquire as to why they've never come further west than Arizona, but I DID NOT tattoo mashed potatoes, collard greens, and...is that ham or baked beans, I'm not sure...on my belly. Or wait, it is meatloaf?

The best part is the rocking chair in like a halo of light at the top. Its like the equivalent of Jesus or something. How wrong is it that I'm now jonesin' for some fried okra and biscuits?

Merry Christmas!!!

A very special Merry Christmas from a Japanese beatboxer. Yeah, I didn't know what that was either, but it's pretty cool--he does at least three Christmas songs--and he looks really funny in his santa hat.

Thursday Here I Come!

I'm consumed with Thanksgiving already. This half week of work is a veritable hell. The evaporated milk and cake flour is already sitting on my counter, boss. I'm thinking of meyer lemon cake, and cranberry sauce, and whether my new pumpkin pie recipe will work without following Martha Stewart's fifteen step recipe for a perfect pie crust. I am not thinking of drafting a case management statement or discovery. Judging by my silent phone, no one else is thinking of work either.

I'm already planning how many times I have to work out (answer: every day) in order to eat my fill on Thanksgiving. Thinking about what time I'll start my pie on Thursday morning (answer: shoot for the butt crack of dawn and actually deliver late morning). Willing my bread cubes to go stale for a tasty, sourdough stuffing.

I'm even already freaking out about Christmas gifts.

And don't get me started on Christmas cookies.............

I think I've become my mama.

Women in Combat

It's a little bit ironic that when a crazy shooting rampage happened on a U.S. military base the one person that was able to take down the assailant was a civilian female cop. She was actually a former soldier in the Army.

Poor little defenseless women. Yes military, now I see why you forbid women from fighting for their country. Crazy men, sure. Women, not so much.

Captain Tightpants Rides Again

For those Firefly lovers out there, Captain Mal got back into his tightpants (for those of you not in the know, and whoever you are, go watch Firefly NOW, Captain Mal's nickname around the internet is "Captain Tightpants") last night on whatever new show he's on. (Its called Castle but I must confess I've never seen it).

I love the reference to the fact that he wore that costume 5 years ago--you know, when the asshats as Fox canceled the show.

I hear the episode was full of Firefly references. Am I going to be required to watch a cop procedural show just to get my tightpants fix?

Derelicte!

Breaking News: Lady GaGa is the new face of Mugatu.

"Come Gaga, let me show you Derelicte. It is a fashion, a way of life inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crack whores that make this wonderful city so unique."

Down With the Pigs!

The City of LA just finished a new super-whiz-bang police station for the illustrious LAPD.

City thought it would be nice to install $500,000 of sculptures around the new station. Clearly no one reviewed what the artist was planning on installing.

Big animal torsos decorate the exterior areas around the new police station. A good example is the one above, which definitely looks like a headless pig on its side.

Pigs outside the police station. No wonder Police Chief Bratton isn't happy.

Normally I would be appalled at the $500,000 wasted on what's pretty hideous art, but the fact that they're big ugly useless pigs outside the police station makes it into a great ironic statement about the LA police.

But Does it Smell?

Yup, that's a moose poop necklace.

This site is absolutely chock full of interesting things. That you can buy. Hurray for weird handmade stuff!

I Pity the Fool!

This is what happens when Emily messes around on the internet late on Friday night. End up reading about Mr. T on Wikipedia and finding crazy pictures like this one.

Did you know that he started his gold-chain-wearing while working as a bouncer? Apparently he wore whatever jewelry was left in the club by its patrons. That way they could come back and get it off Mr. T from the entrance and not have to even re-enter the club, and it became his trademark.

The two of them look so cute together. I mean honestly, who DOESN'T love Mr. T?

Check this out!

Time Lapse Test: Station Fire from Eric Spiegelman on Vimeo.

This video is amazing. I could see the smoke cloud from Santa Monica but this video really does the fire justice. The power of nature is astonishing.

This is why I love Boing Boing

One website that I follow quite regularly is Boing Boing.

Boing Boing covers all kinds of amazing things. Some stuff they cover, like new technology fads, steampunk, and ukulele videos, are not really my bag (baby), but there's always something new and interesting on their site each day.

I like this site for their coverage of weird science fiction, cool gadgets, old patents for interesting things like a device to inject ice cream into bananas, and even civil rights issues.

For example, today Boing Boing had a link to a Smithsonian story about micronations. Check this out, man. It's awesome. I totally intend to create my own little micro-nation within the People's Republic of Santa Monica. Our borders will consist of the alley, the walkway, and the walls I share with my neighbors, but dammit it will be a separate nation! Our currency will be cans of root beer (a precious commodity) and our motto will be "Suck it, Santa Monica!" I suspect we will still receive parking tickets, however, as the City may not be privy to our secession. If it leads to an "international" incident I'll let you know.

The Sun Tan

I remember at summer camp one year being made fun of by some other campers for having a "farmer's tan." I had tan lines on my arms from wearing short sleeves and on my legs from shorts. Until those kids made fun of me, I had never been aware that a "proper" tan was devoid of lines--that is unless they came from a swimsuit (lets ignore the fake bake orange people running around these days).

Ever since then I've always been conscious of my farmer's tan. I've never had what most consider a proper tan, except in my early years when the entire summer was spent at the pool. These days If I get a tan its from hiking or biking or washing the car, so likely there lines on my feet from shoe straps, lines on my arms, and the like. I'm way past the point of caring. I'm currently sporting a wicked farmer's tan.

But the revelation I had last night, and I'm sure to most of you this is nothing new, is that the tan is a total status thing. Those kids, whether they knew it or not, where making fun of my farmer's tan, because I had not acquired it properly, i.e. laying out in the sun and doing absolutely nothing but tanning. A farmer's tan is theoretically not as good as a proper tan because it was acquired while working or actually doing something. The value is placed on having the ability to do nothing but literally lie on your ass and bake.

That being said, in many other cultures the importance is on staying as white as humanly possible. The tan is associated with work. Pristine porcelain white skin is associated with privilege and being able to stay out of the sun. Darker skin=lower class. Ever see those Asian ladies driving on the road wearing welder-type masks to keep the sun off their faces? But generally speaking in America the tan is something that is sought in the summer, even with the risks associated with it these days.

So I say if you don't have some kind of farmer's tan in the summer, you got too damn much time on your hands. Get out there and do something, you lazy rich bastard.